Most media is depressing and jewish and even when it isn't it fails to interest, socialization is stressful and intimidating, work is monotonous and unfulfilling, I can't get a woman despite my standards basically only relating to her race and fertility, and I don't see anything else to do. You could tell me to get away from the internet for a while but then I'm left with nothing but food.
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TCDforver on scored.co
14 days ago-2 points(+0/-0/-2Score on mirror)1 child
>Alright. So you haven't actually tried much then. Fishing sucks unless you are about to become a senior. Tabletop gaming sounds fine, but the point isn't just the game, it's the social interactions.
Yes, and even after a couple months I still felt like I was just an outsider in the group.
>So how about drawing, hiking, swimming, going to fitness, photography? Or if it should be on a PC, do drawing there, image editing, create music (I remember I used LMMS), create a game, do 3D modelling, or learn to code.
I have no drive to create because I know nothing I make would be satisfactory to my standards. Beyond that there's nothing that I really *want* to make. I feel like everything has already been done already and there's nothing left worth doing unless it's at the highest level with at minimum tens of millions of dollars in budget. Creation is not for the common man, at least not anymore.
>I mean it sounds like you lack ambition or the persistence to pull through. I hated hiking until I started to like it, and then I explored the shit out of the last place I lived in once I moved there. Every weekend I went out, and in basically every direction there was something to explore.
See to me that just sounds like it would be putting myself at risk for no discernable gain, I'd be safer staying at home and I doubt there's much to see around me anyway.
>If you have friends with whom you can do things, it's much better to do something with them. Things that would be ordinarily boring can become fun.
> I have no drive to create because I know nothing I make would be satisfactory to my standards.
See, whatever you do, it will be bad at the beginning. It takes practice, persistence and dedication to become good in something. I too have high standards, but to get limited solely due to that would be utterly idiotic. I recently created 169 icons - I chose a style that is decent, but neither flat nor artistic. It turned out to be a rare, unique style. I will create 18 weapon models next. I also start from basically zero, but I will do it until the results get decent enough. Next I will create 31 space ship models, of which I have 4, by combining parts from an asset. Of all the things I have done, that's just the rather artistic, monotone parts of it. There is a huge amount of things I've already done. But working on such things provides a weird comfort, because for that time I don't work on absurdly complex elements of the game.
See, the point is, if you just give up early or before you start, the only outcome is defeat and sloppy results. I don't understand people who SAY they want X, but do NOTHING to do X. They rather indulge in endless procrastination and pretend everything below "perfect" isn't good enough for them. It's a combination of cowardice and laziness.
> I feel like everything has already been done already
Oh, you are so wrong about that. There is so much shit and slop out there, and corporations are busy doing ONLY maintenance with the things they have done. If I had the resources, time and energy to change things and develop new ideas on a large scale involving multiple people, it would be revolutionary. But alas I have to prove myself first before I could even get the chance.
> it would be putting myself at risk for no discernable gain
What risk? If you are not willing to take even the slightest risk to do anything, why do you expect any gain at all? And the gain would be that YOU WOULD SOLVE THE PROBLEM WE ARE TALKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW.
When I was hiking, I managed to get halfway emerged in liquid mud. It took me a minute to get out, by getting into a horizontal position and crawling out. The moment I got out, I was laughing. Do you know why? Because I knew I'd think back about that moment in the future, and I would find it hilarious. So I found it hilarious immediately. That happened in the first few weeks of hiking in that location... that was around the beginning.
> I'd be safer staying at home
Safe from what? Apparently not safe from boredom, or having any hobbies, or being interesting, or having anything interesting to say.
Just admit that you are lazy and use "perfectionism" as an excuse. I am a perfectionist, but I'd be an idiot if it would stop me from pursuing creation. In fact it only drives me to get better and do better.
IF you truly want to change anything about yourself, you have to face the truth about yourself. You are not honest with me, probably because you are not honest with yourself.
I say "probably" because there is a chance you are just trolling me. But I accept that risk. See?
13 days ago-1 points(+0/-0/-1Score on mirror)1 child
>See, whatever you do, it will be bad at the beginning. It takes practice, persistence and dedication to become good in something. I too have high standards, but to get limited solely due to that would be utterly idiotic
Even things I've put ungodly amounts of time into I've remained bad at, I just have a low natural skill ceiling for everything I do and that's how I felt all my life.
>Oh, you are so wrong about that. There is so much shit and slop out there, and corporations are busy doing ONLY maintenance with the things they have done. If I had the resources, time and energy to change things and develop new ideas on a large scale involving multiple people, it would be revolutionary. But alas I have to prove myself first before I could even get the chance.
You're just proving my point, there's a massive pile of shit and the best we can hope for is to throw our work into that very same pile where it will be lost and blend in among the rest. All the greats came and went but are still taking up market share.
>What risk? If you are not willing to take even the slightest risk to do anything, why do you expect any gain at all? And the gain would be that YOU WOULD SOLVE THE PROBLEM WE ARE TALKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW.
No specific risk, but rather countless small risks that all pile up that are greater than the risks of being at home, and just going out and wandering won't make my life feel any more purposeful nor will it make me feel less lonely when I'm lying in bed trying to sleep.
>Safe from what? Apparently not safe from boredom, or having any hobbies, or being interesting, or having anything interesting to say.
My life wouldn't be much more interesting if I went out given that I have nowhere to go, every time I have gone out has just resulted in time and money being spent only to end up where I started, often not even gaining any new memories from the experience.
>Just admit that you are lazy and use "perfectionism" as an excuse. I am a perfectionist, but I'd be an idiot if it would stop me from pursuing creation. In fact it only drives me to get better and do better.
If I don't enjoy the process of creation, don't enjoy looking back on what I've made in the past, and have nobody to share my creations with who would care then why even bother making something? I just feel like I'd be pouring time and money into what effectively amounts to trash?
> Even things I've put ungodly amounts of time into I've remained bad at
So far you've only mentioned fishing, DND and "etcetera." So into what did you invest in ungodly amounts of time?
> You're just proving my point, there's a massive pile of shit and the best we can hope for is to throw our work into that very same pile where it will be lost and blend in among the rest.
What pile? This is just pure nihilism. If you truly believe in nihilism, prove its worth by killing yourself. Seriously. If you don't, you don't believe in nihilism, so don't use their argumentation. Aka "everything is pointless, so why bother?"
I'm not going to argue the value of basic imperatives of existence.
> All the greats
You don't have to be "great." What absurd bar are you setting for yourself? Do you think you are among the 0.001%- of humans? With that attitude you should be grateful to be in the upper half first.
> but rather countless small risks that all pile up
So far we reached 0 activities. I think you will endure that amount of "risks" piling up. I have high hopes in you.
> and just going out and wandering won't make my life feel any more purposeful nor will it make me feel less lonely when I'm lying in bed trying to sleep.
Well, actually it will. You are in a state of total stagnation and purposelessness. By doing *something* you'd incentivize yourself to do *something* else, which may lead to becoming more attractive as a person, which in turn may lead to not being lonely.
> My life wouldn't be much more interesting if I went out
Yeah, that's the opposite of true. Aka total bullshit. If you do nothing, you experience nothing, you witness nothing, thus your life remains boring. Really, all it takes is to *do something* in order for things to happen that make you interesting.
Go ahead, tell me the most interesting thing about yourself. Let's see where we draw the line here.
> why even bother making something?
See, creative people simply have the natural urge to creation, and mundane reasons like not having someone patting you on the head are not enough not to create. Just as we speak I am creating text, knowing well it's very likely pointless. I *create* solely for my personal entertainment here. And the intent is to help you, but you've shown that you reject any attempt at help, and just want to... cry and complain. I've been told that about you as well. I mean if you seek pity, you're at the wrong place. Weakness disgusts me.
> I just feel like I'd be pouring time and money into what effectively amounts to trash?
But you do not even want to *create* something. You don't want to do anything. But you do want to do something. So what the fuck is that paradox? What do you expect?
13 days ago-1 points(+0/-0/-1Score on mirror)1 child
>So far you've only mentioned fishing, DND and "etcetera." So into what did you invest in ungodly amounts of time?
Gaming, specifically CoD back in the late 2000s and War Thunder as of more recent times. Literal thousands of hours spent only to be objectively below average.
>What pile? This is just pure nihilism. If you truly believe in nihilism, prove its worth by killing yourself. Seriously. If you don't, you don't believe in nihilism, so don't use their argumentation. Aka "everything is pointless, so why bother?" I'm not going to argue the value of basic imperatives of existence.
The figurative pile of shit that is the sea of everything that has come before and been forgotten despite being easily accessible. Competing with countless other works that have come before which there is no real way to distinguish your work from.
I'm not saying "everything is pointless", rather I am questioning the value of art and media that exists without breaking new ground or creating a cultural footprint. In the internet age you aren't just competing to stand out among a local few, you're competing with everything that has been digitized and at that point what do you even expect to contribute?
>You don't have to be "great." What absurd bar are you setting for yourself? Do you think you are among the 0.001%- of humans? With that attitude you should be grateful to be in the upper half first.
At one time that was true when competition was scarce and local, but now we're small fish in a big ocean and past works can be copied infinitely without loss so there is no scarcity that would lead to people settling for an inferior product.
>So far we reached 0 activities. I think you will endure that amount of "risks" piling up. I have high hopes in you.
I could be attacked either by animals or people, I could be hit by a car, I could get lost. I don't know, I just worry when leaving the house.
>Well, actually it will. You are in a state of total stagnation and purposelessness. By doing something you'd incentivize yourself to do something else, which may lead to becoming more attractive as a person, which in turn may lead to not being lonely.
I've tried doing things, it's hard to find anything to do and there isn't much of anything that interests me.
>Yeah, that's the opposite of true. Aka total bullshit. If you do nothing, you experience nothing, you witness nothing, thus your life remains boring. Really, all it takes is to do something in order for things to happen that make you interesting.
When I have gone out I do nothing, experience nothing, and witness nothing. My most eventful outings in life have been when my parents invite me to hang out with their friends where I'm still mostly a passive observer, but when I've gone out on my own it's just an uneventful experience.
>But you do not even want to create something. You don't want to do anything. But you do want to do something. So what the fuck is that paradox? What do you expect?
Looking for answer for how everyone else manages to find the motivation to do things and manage to have such eventful lives when everything I try seems to provide a completely different experience
12 days ago1 point(+0/-0/+1Score on mirror)1 child
> Literal thousands of hours spent only to be objectively below average.
Then play something that isn't PvP based. Deep Rock Galactic, Helldivers 2, Starcraft 2 Coop, Path of Exile, Last Epoch to name a few. PvP games have that peculiar condition to make everybody feel like shit, because it naturally leads to a 50% win-rate. You will win or lose until it reaches that 50% mark on average. And when you get better, you still end up with that 50%.
> and at that point what do you even expect to contribute?
As of me, I am working on a space combat/exploration game. Aside from various aspects that make it an actual game, it allows the player to traverse the universe in FTL free flight. The player perceives the stars, planets, moons passing by, and also see giant stars, black holes, magnetars, neutron stars, etc. It's an experience that apparently didn't exist before, because in games it is normal that when you go to a specific solar system, you just get a visual effect and then appear right there. Or you have "warp gates" and can't traverse to anything outside the hand-made world.
And it's a global single realm hosted by a server-cluster. That appears to be novel technology btw. I just have to do the final integration later on. There won't be restrictions to speech, only technical restrictions against spam.
So, it's something new. If you consider things like this irrelevant, fine. Another of my goals is TND and TKD, but for that I need more capital and financial liberty.
> no scarcity that would lead to people settling for an inferior product.
You could literally build a wooden table, sell it and make a lot of money out of it. My brother has made one and uses it himself - it's a massive, long table he made from the wood around his house. It has 4 massive legs. Its worth is sure between 300-600€+, because a table like that can literally not be bought anywhere.
And the concept of "table" sure isn't novel, right?
> I could be attacked either by animals or people, I could be hit by a car, I could get lost.
And? Would there anything of value be lost?
You know, when I hiked there, I went no matter what. Snow, cold, warm, rain, mud. I went even 7 hours once, and after 4 hours I noticed I started to get exhausted. But there was no alternative to getting home. That's the beauty of it - there was no way to just give up. After that time I was lying flat on the ground a few times. Just lying on the grass for 15 minutes.
One time I went 6 hours, and 3 of it it was raining. I didn't even wear a jacket.
> I've tried doing things
Let's calm down. We are at fishing, video gaming, DND and "etcetera." You've barely "tried" anything. None of these even relate to something productive.
It's basically the [meme](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/40/bf/b6/40bfb6a76627032773450ddee967be36.jpg): "I tried nothing and I am all out of ideas."
> When I have gone out I do nothing, experience nothing, and witness nothing.
How the fuck do you do that? Are you sitting in the corner, talk to nobody, and then go home? Just going through the motions so that you can say "I did this"?
> for how everyone else manages to find the motivation to do things
Well, then you got your answer. But it appears to me you are content with the status quo of your life. It's as if all you want is to complain, but don't actually want to change anything. You resist any attempt to change.
Which unironically is something you *should* change. You are your own cockblock. You are the perpetrator of your own misery, and you seem to thrive in it.
Yes, and even after a couple months I still felt like I was just an outsider in the group.
>So how about drawing, hiking, swimming, going to fitness, photography? Or if it should be on a PC, do drawing there, image editing, create music (I remember I used LMMS), create a game, do 3D modelling, or learn to code.
I have no drive to create because I know nothing I make would be satisfactory to my standards. Beyond that there's nothing that I really *want* to make. I feel like everything has already been done already and there's nothing left worth doing unless it's at the highest level with at minimum tens of millions of dollars in budget. Creation is not for the common man, at least not anymore.
>I mean it sounds like you lack ambition or the persistence to pull through. I hated hiking until I started to like it, and then I explored the shit out of the last place I lived in once I moved there. Every weekend I went out, and in basically every direction there was something to explore.
See to me that just sounds like it would be putting myself at risk for no discernable gain, I'd be safer staying at home and I doubt there's much to see around me anyway.
>If you have friends with whom you can do things, it's much better to do something with them. Things that would be ordinarily boring can become fun.
So I have heard.
See, whatever you do, it will be bad at the beginning. It takes practice, persistence and dedication to become good in something. I too have high standards, but to get limited solely due to that would be utterly idiotic. I recently created 169 icons - I chose a style that is decent, but neither flat nor artistic. It turned out to be a rare, unique style. I will create 18 weapon models next. I also start from basically zero, but I will do it until the results get decent enough. Next I will create 31 space ship models, of which I have 4, by combining parts from an asset. Of all the things I have done, that's just the rather artistic, monotone parts of it. There is a huge amount of things I've already done. But working on such things provides a weird comfort, because for that time I don't work on absurdly complex elements of the game.
See, the point is, if you just give up early or before you start, the only outcome is defeat and sloppy results. I don't understand people who SAY they want X, but do NOTHING to do X. They rather indulge in endless procrastination and pretend everything below "perfect" isn't good enough for them. It's a combination of cowardice and laziness.
> I feel like everything has already been done already
Oh, you are so wrong about that. There is so much shit and slop out there, and corporations are busy doing ONLY maintenance with the things they have done. If I had the resources, time and energy to change things and develop new ideas on a large scale involving multiple people, it would be revolutionary. But alas I have to prove myself first before I could even get the chance.
> it would be putting myself at risk for no discernable gain
What risk? If you are not willing to take even the slightest risk to do anything, why do you expect any gain at all? And the gain would be that YOU WOULD SOLVE THE PROBLEM WE ARE TALKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW.
When I was hiking, I managed to get halfway emerged in liquid mud. It took me a minute to get out, by getting into a horizontal position and crawling out. The moment I got out, I was laughing. Do you know why? Because I knew I'd think back about that moment in the future, and I would find it hilarious. So I found it hilarious immediately. That happened in the first few weeks of hiking in that location... that was around the beginning.
> I'd be safer staying at home
Safe from what? Apparently not safe from boredom, or having any hobbies, or being interesting, or having anything interesting to say.
Just admit that you are lazy and use "perfectionism" as an excuse. I am a perfectionist, but I'd be an idiot if it would stop me from pursuing creation. In fact it only drives me to get better and do better.
IF you truly want to change anything about yourself, you have to face the truth about yourself. You are not honest with me, probably because you are not honest with yourself.
I say "probably" because there is a chance you are just trolling me. But I accept that risk. See?
Even things I've put ungodly amounts of time into I've remained bad at, I just have a low natural skill ceiling for everything I do and that's how I felt all my life.
>Oh, you are so wrong about that. There is so much shit and slop out there, and corporations are busy doing ONLY maintenance with the things they have done. If I had the resources, time and energy to change things and develop new ideas on a large scale involving multiple people, it would be revolutionary. But alas I have to prove myself first before I could even get the chance.
You're just proving my point, there's a massive pile of shit and the best we can hope for is to throw our work into that very same pile where it will be lost and blend in among the rest. All the greats came and went but are still taking up market share.
>What risk? If you are not willing to take even the slightest risk to do anything, why do you expect any gain at all? And the gain would be that YOU WOULD SOLVE THE PROBLEM WE ARE TALKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW.
No specific risk, but rather countless small risks that all pile up that are greater than the risks of being at home, and just going out and wandering won't make my life feel any more purposeful nor will it make me feel less lonely when I'm lying in bed trying to sleep.
>Safe from what? Apparently not safe from boredom, or having any hobbies, or being interesting, or having anything interesting to say.
My life wouldn't be much more interesting if I went out given that I have nowhere to go, every time I have gone out has just resulted in time and money being spent only to end up where I started, often not even gaining any new memories from the experience.
>Just admit that you are lazy and use "perfectionism" as an excuse. I am a perfectionist, but I'd be an idiot if it would stop me from pursuing creation. In fact it only drives me to get better and do better.
If I don't enjoy the process of creation, don't enjoy looking back on what I've made in the past, and have nobody to share my creations with who would care then why even bother making something? I just feel like I'd be pouring time and money into what effectively amounts to trash?
So far you've only mentioned fishing, DND and "etcetera." So into what did you invest in ungodly amounts of time?
> You're just proving my point, there's a massive pile of shit and the best we can hope for is to throw our work into that very same pile where it will be lost and blend in among the rest.
What pile? This is just pure nihilism. If you truly believe in nihilism, prove its worth by killing yourself. Seriously. If you don't, you don't believe in nihilism, so don't use their argumentation. Aka "everything is pointless, so why bother?"
I'm not going to argue the value of basic imperatives of existence.
> All the greats
You don't have to be "great." What absurd bar are you setting for yourself? Do you think you are among the 0.001%- of humans? With that attitude you should be grateful to be in the upper half first.
> but rather countless small risks that all pile up
So far we reached 0 activities. I think you will endure that amount of "risks" piling up. I have high hopes in you.
> and just going out and wandering won't make my life feel any more purposeful nor will it make me feel less lonely when I'm lying in bed trying to sleep.
Well, actually it will. You are in a state of total stagnation and purposelessness. By doing *something* you'd incentivize yourself to do *something* else, which may lead to becoming more attractive as a person, which in turn may lead to not being lonely.
> My life wouldn't be much more interesting if I went out
Yeah, that's the opposite of true. Aka total bullshit. If you do nothing, you experience nothing, you witness nothing, thus your life remains boring. Really, all it takes is to *do something* in order for things to happen that make you interesting.
Go ahead, tell me the most interesting thing about yourself. Let's see where we draw the line here.
> why even bother making something?
See, creative people simply have the natural urge to creation, and mundane reasons like not having someone patting you on the head are not enough not to create. Just as we speak I am creating text, knowing well it's very likely pointless. I *create* solely for my personal entertainment here. And the intent is to help you, but you've shown that you reject any attempt at help, and just want to... cry and complain. I've been told that about you as well. I mean if you seek pity, you're at the wrong place. Weakness disgusts me.
> I just feel like I'd be pouring time and money into what effectively amounts to trash?
But you do not even want to *create* something. You don't want to do anything. But you do want to do something. So what the fuck is that paradox? What do you expect?
Gaming, specifically CoD back in the late 2000s and War Thunder as of more recent times. Literal thousands of hours spent only to be objectively below average.
>What pile? This is just pure nihilism. If you truly believe in nihilism, prove its worth by killing yourself. Seriously. If you don't, you don't believe in nihilism, so don't use their argumentation. Aka "everything is pointless, so why bother?" I'm not going to argue the value of basic imperatives of existence.
The figurative pile of shit that is the sea of everything that has come before and been forgotten despite being easily accessible. Competing with countless other works that have come before which there is no real way to distinguish your work from.
I'm not saying "everything is pointless", rather I am questioning the value of art and media that exists without breaking new ground or creating a cultural footprint. In the internet age you aren't just competing to stand out among a local few, you're competing with everything that has been digitized and at that point what do you even expect to contribute?
>You don't have to be "great." What absurd bar are you setting for yourself? Do you think you are among the 0.001%- of humans? With that attitude you should be grateful to be in the upper half first.
At one time that was true when competition was scarce and local, but now we're small fish in a big ocean and past works can be copied infinitely without loss so there is no scarcity that would lead to people settling for an inferior product.
>So far we reached 0 activities. I think you will endure that amount of "risks" piling up. I have high hopes in you.
I could be attacked either by animals or people, I could be hit by a car, I could get lost. I don't know, I just worry when leaving the house.
>Well, actually it will. You are in a state of total stagnation and purposelessness. By doing something you'd incentivize yourself to do something else, which may lead to becoming more attractive as a person, which in turn may lead to not being lonely.
I've tried doing things, it's hard to find anything to do and there isn't much of anything that interests me.
>Yeah, that's the opposite of true. Aka total bullshit. If you do nothing, you experience nothing, you witness nothing, thus your life remains boring. Really, all it takes is to do something in order for things to happen that make you interesting.
When I have gone out I do nothing, experience nothing, and witness nothing. My most eventful outings in life have been when my parents invite me to hang out with their friends where I'm still mostly a passive observer, but when I've gone out on my own it's just an uneventful experience.
>But you do not even want to create something. You don't want to do anything. But you do want to do something. So what the fuck is that paradox? What do you expect?
Looking for answer for how everyone else manages to find the motivation to do things and manage to have such eventful lives when everything I try seems to provide a completely different experience
Then play something that isn't PvP based. Deep Rock Galactic, Helldivers 2, Starcraft 2 Coop, Path of Exile, Last Epoch to name a few. PvP games have that peculiar condition to make everybody feel like shit, because it naturally leads to a 50% win-rate. You will win or lose until it reaches that 50% mark on average. And when you get better, you still end up with that 50%.
> and at that point what do you even expect to contribute?
As of me, I am working on a space combat/exploration game. Aside from various aspects that make it an actual game, it allows the player to traverse the universe in FTL free flight. The player perceives the stars, planets, moons passing by, and also see giant stars, black holes, magnetars, neutron stars, etc. It's an experience that apparently didn't exist before, because in games it is normal that when you go to a specific solar system, you just get a visual effect and then appear right there. Or you have "warp gates" and can't traverse to anything outside the hand-made world.
And it's a global single realm hosted by a server-cluster. That appears to be novel technology btw. I just have to do the final integration later on. There won't be restrictions to speech, only technical restrictions against spam.
So, it's something new. If you consider things like this irrelevant, fine. Another of my goals is TND and TKD, but for that I need more capital and financial liberty.
> no scarcity that would lead to people settling for an inferior product.
You could literally build a wooden table, sell it and make a lot of money out of it. My brother has made one and uses it himself - it's a massive, long table he made from the wood around his house. It has 4 massive legs. Its worth is sure between 300-600€+, because a table like that can literally not be bought anywhere.
And the concept of "table" sure isn't novel, right?
> I could be attacked either by animals or people, I could be hit by a car, I could get lost.
And? Would there anything of value be lost?
You know, when I hiked there, I went no matter what. Snow, cold, warm, rain, mud. I went even 7 hours once, and after 4 hours I noticed I started to get exhausted. But there was no alternative to getting home. That's the beauty of it - there was no way to just give up. After that time I was lying flat on the ground a few times. Just lying on the grass for 15 minutes.
One time I went 6 hours, and 3 of it it was raining. I didn't even wear a jacket.
> I've tried doing things
Let's calm down. We are at fishing, video gaming, DND and "etcetera." You've barely "tried" anything. None of these even relate to something productive.
It's basically the [meme](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/40/bf/b6/40bfb6a76627032773450ddee967be36.jpg): "I tried nothing and I am all out of ideas."
> When I have gone out I do nothing, experience nothing, and witness nothing.
How the fuck do you do that? Are you sitting in the corner, talk to nobody, and then go home? Just going through the motions so that you can say "I did this"?
> for how everyone else manages to find the motivation to do things
Well, then you got your answer. But it appears to me you are content with the status quo of your life. It's as if all you want is to complain, but don't actually want to change anything. You resist any attempt to change.
Which unironically is something you *should* change. You are your own cockblock. You are the perpetrator of your own misery, and you seem to thrive in it.