This sounds like a total ragebait post. And honestly, I wish it was. I take an hour to fall asleep, because guilt and indecision is on my mind.
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Most of my friends are girls, but by some really bad luck, they moved away, and now I have about two distant girl friends left in this town, and two guy friends. Anyway, I'm Christian, although a bad one, but maybe that's a very catholic thing to say. And by bad, it's because I argue with my sister sometimes or procrastinate. And they know I wait until marriage. Although, I think a part of me wanted to do that less out of religious conviction, but more out of never wanting to belong to anyone ever, and totally mistrusting men. (sorry for the boyphobia, but when my best friend got assaulted i just got so angry at guys, but im not like that anymore)
And both these guys know about each other, and that I only call them friends, but they both would marry me and talk wanting a future. I feel really terrible when guys like me, because then I'm responsible for how someone feels. That's why I only call them friends. I don't want to lead them on, I only wear my big brown sweater and big jeans, I am explicit in friendly intentions.
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But I would like to get married. Because then you can have a family, and also SEX (i unfortunately think of sex a lot and am a ball of hormones, and don't know if that will calm down). Although, I'd rather be alone than disappoint someone, maybe it's what I deserve. I have fun with my own company and my guitar and reading about diseases on wikipedia.
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Anyway, the first guy is perfect on paper. He's incredibly smart, like would learn a language by watching a show, or about a difficult concept by half heartedly watching youtube- he just isn't pretentious about it. We have the exact same sense of humour, and can talk for hours incessantly, and debate, and understand each other entirely. He threw up on me once, so we are close. He is of the same background as me nationality wise, and is tall so I guess my sons wouldn't sneed at me for their future height? Although I am a little tall too. However, I feel nothing for the first guy. Even if I would like to, it is more of a comfortable affection, like for my siblings. Maybe that came from the fact that I saw myself as a mother figure to him, despite being young and the same age. But he, along with the girl who moved away, is the best friend I've ever had, and I mean that very sincerely. He is empathetic, yet doesn't change for others, very intelligent, similar background, and we have a lot of fun.
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The second guy is from a different background but still european. We have a slightly different sense of humour, definitely kind of clever, but not as much as the first guy. He's the same height as me, even though he's a guy, but that's because he's not northern european like me, but southern, but I think brown eyes are really pretty because no one in my immediate family has them, they look gentle and thoughtful. I know he likes me a lot (and that makes me feel very guilty and responsible, even though I never tried to seduce him) and I like him too. When I sit next to him he says he thinks he might throw up, but he says it's in a happy way, and that's why his hands shake too. And my heart beats really fast when he's there, and hurts a little when I have to wait to see him again. And there is a pure affection, like wanting to make sure he eats and sleeps enough, and enjoying silence together. I feel quite cared for in a way I don't know what to do with, when he's there.
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So yeah. The first is my best friend, taller, smarter, hilarious, same background, very good companionship- but I feel no attraction. The second is a great friend, slightly different background, we have fun together, and I am attracted, even if we have less in common.
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I am going to have to pick one, or be alone. And If this 'love' feeling fades, and is unimportant to marriage in general, I'd pick the first- we have way more in common. If the 'love' feeling and mutual chemistry is important, even if it ebbs and fades, I'd pick the second. I really can only imagine kissing and stuff with the second one. Can one even build attraction?
And by the way, I would understand if either moved on from me and met someone. It would be a little saddening, but I would rest easier, because choice is a big burden, and I would not be angry, they both deserve happiness, I'd take the L. I feel almost sick that I have such an effect on two people. And guilty for being conflicted.
...
(yes this is a hand wave account but i was here since day 1, i was a kid then and this place honestly raised me in a way. miss rightsidefunding posting, learned a lot)
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Most of my friends are girls, but by some really bad luck, they moved away, and now I have about two distant girl friends left in this town, and two guy friends. Anyway, I'm Christian, although a bad one, but maybe that's a very catholic thing to say. And by bad, it's because I argue with my sister sometimes or procrastinate. And they know I wait until marriage. Although, I think a part of me wanted to do that less out of religious conviction, but more out of never wanting to belong to anyone ever, and totally mistrusting men. (sorry for the boyphobia, but when my best friend got assaulted i just got so angry at guys, but im not like that anymore)
And both these guys know about each other, and that I only call them friends, but they both would marry me and talk wanting a future. I feel really terrible when guys like me, because then I'm responsible for how someone feels. That's why I only call them friends. I don't want to lead them on, I only wear my big brown sweater and big jeans, I am explicit in friendly intentions.
...
But I would like to get married. Because then you can have a family, and also SEX (i unfortunately think of sex a lot and am a ball of hormones, and don't know if that will calm down). Although, I'd rather be alone than disappoint someone, maybe it's what I deserve. I have fun with my own company and my guitar and reading about diseases on wikipedia.
...
Anyway, the first guy is perfect on paper. He's incredibly smart, like would learn a language by watching a show, or about a difficult concept by half heartedly watching youtube- he just isn't pretentious about it. We have the exact same sense of humour, and can talk for hours incessantly, and debate, and understand each other entirely. He threw up on me once, so we are close. He is of the same background as me nationality wise, and is tall so I guess my sons wouldn't sneed at me for their future height? Although I am a little tall too. However, I feel nothing for the first guy. Even if I would like to, it is more of a comfortable affection, like for my siblings. Maybe that came from the fact that I saw myself as a mother figure to him, despite being young and the same age. But he, along with the girl who moved away, is the best friend I've ever had, and I mean that very sincerely. He is empathetic, yet doesn't change for others, very intelligent, similar background, and we have a lot of fun.
...
The second guy is from a different background but still european. We have a slightly different sense of humour, definitely kind of clever, but not as much as the first guy. He's the same height as me, even though he's a guy, but that's because he's not northern european like me, but southern, but I think brown eyes are really pretty because no one in my immediate family has them, they look gentle and thoughtful. I know he likes me a lot (and that makes me feel very guilty and responsible, even though I never tried to seduce him) and I like him too. When I sit next to him he says he thinks he might throw up, but he says it's in a happy way, and that's why his hands shake too. And my heart beats really fast when he's there, and hurts a little when I have to wait to see him again. And there is a pure affection, like wanting to make sure he eats and sleeps enough, and enjoying silence together. I feel quite cared for in a way I don't know what to do with, when he's there.
...
So yeah. The first is my best friend, taller, smarter, hilarious, same background, very good companionship- but I feel no attraction. The second is a great friend, slightly different background, we have fun together, and I am attracted, even if we have less in common.
...
I am going to have to pick one, or be alone. And If this 'love' feeling fades, and is unimportant to marriage in general, I'd pick the first- we have way more in common. If the 'love' feeling and mutual chemistry is important, even if it ebbs and fades, I'd pick the second. I really can only imagine kissing and stuff with the second one. Can one even build attraction?
And by the way, I would understand if either moved on from me and met someone. It would be a little saddening, but I would rest easier, because choice is a big burden, and I would not be angry, they both deserve happiness, I'd take the L. I feel almost sick that I have such an effect on two people. And guilty for being conflicted.
...
(yes this is a hand wave account but i was here since day 1, i was a kid then and this place honestly raised me in a way. miss rightsidefunding posting, learned a lot)
It's not about money for me, the second guy makes less than the first and is from a poor family, and I still feel more attracted to him.
I think 'felt right in the moment' as you said is the important phrase here- because the second guy does very much feel 'right' at this moment in time. But I have endless rapport and mutual understanding with the first guy. We could have fun stuck at a bus station in the rain, and have been there for each other at our worst moments. I never wanted to kiss him, but I would let him throw up on me, trust him to have my back at my worst moments, and genuinely love seeing him happy, I put so much effort into his birthdays and vice versa.
What was your criteria for marrying your wife? Were you able to build attraction eventually? Do you experience resentment for not having attraction- or is that a lie? What's wrong with excitement?
Attraction in the general sense was always there, which is the same type of attraction you described with this person, i.e. enjoying each other's company. What I mean by excitement is arousal. It's a kind of anxiety or passion, which people used to grow out of. If that is the defining feature of a relationship, it will last as long as one of you feels that.
If you'll allow me to philosophize, I think one of the defining problems of our age is the meme of "Disney romance", or "falling in love". It's a bastardization of real love, which is a choice. Love is willing the good of another, not wistful longing or erotic passion. We've turned love from something active to something passive, and allowed "I just don't love him anymore" to be grounds for divorce. Anyways, I hope this response was somehow helpful.
I think both women and men are guilty of this 'falling out of love' (when they mean lust) phenomenon. I never realised that lust and love had been so conflated with each other.
And by love being a choice, you mean like it's something you work on every day, until it's there by itself? And yes, I think the first guy would be ideal as a father, since he is empathetic but stands his ground, and one of the smartest people I know.
The response was helpful, in the sense of weighing up the permanent vs the temporary. I had the first good sleep in a while last night, because these answers genuinely helped me make my mind up, so thank you very much. I hope you and your wife look after each other and have many loved children :)