This sounds like a total ragebait post. And honestly, I wish it was. I take an hour to fall asleep, because guilt and indecision is on my mind.
...
Most of my friends are girls, but by some really bad luck, they moved away, and now I have about two distant girl friends left in this town, and two guy friends. Anyway, I'm Christian, although a bad one, but maybe that's a very catholic thing to say. And by bad, it's because I argue with my sister sometimes or procrastinate. And they know I wait until marriage. Although, I think a part of me wanted to do that less out of religious conviction, but more out of never wanting to belong to anyone ever, and totally mistrusting men. (sorry for the boyphobia, but when my best friend got assaulted i just got so angry at guys, but im not like that anymore)
And both these guys know about each other, and that I only call them friends, but they both would marry me and talk wanting a future. I feel really terrible when guys like me, because then I'm responsible for how someone feels. That's why I only call them friends. I don't want to lead them on, I only wear my big brown sweater and big jeans, I am explicit in friendly intentions.
...
But I would like to get married. Because then you can have a family, and also SEX (i unfortunately think of sex a lot and am a ball of hormones, and don't know if that will calm down). Although, I'd rather be alone than disappoint someone, maybe it's what I deserve. I have fun with my own company and my guitar and reading about diseases on wikipedia.
...
Anyway, the first guy is perfect on paper. He's incredibly smart, like would learn a language by watching a show, or about a difficult concept by half heartedly watching youtube- he just isn't pretentious about it. We have the exact same sense of humour, and can talk for hours incessantly, and debate, and understand each other entirely. He threw up on me once, so we are close. He is of the same background as me nationality wise, and is tall so I guess my sons wouldn't sneed at me for their future height? Although I am a little tall too. However, I feel nothing for the first guy. Even if I would like to, it is more of a comfortable affection, like for my siblings. Maybe that came from the fact that I saw myself as a mother figure to him, despite being young and the same age. But he, along with the girl who moved away, is the best friend I've ever had, and I mean that very sincerely. He is empathetic, yet doesn't change for others, very intelligent, similar background, and we have a lot of fun.
...
The second guy is from a different background but still european. We have a slightly different sense of humour, definitely kind of clever, but not as much as the first guy. He's the same height as me, even though he's a guy, but that's because he's not northern european like me, but southern, but I think brown eyes are really pretty because no one in my immediate family has them, they look gentle and thoughtful. I know he likes me a lot (and that makes me feel very guilty and responsible, even though I never tried to seduce him) and I like him too. When I sit next to him he says he thinks he might throw up, but he says it's in a happy way, and that's why his hands shake too. And my heart beats really fast when he's there, and hurts a little when I have to wait to see him again. And there is a pure affection, like wanting to make sure he eats and sleeps enough, and enjoying silence together. I feel quite cared for in a way I don't know what to do with, when he's there.
...
So yeah. The first is my best friend, taller, smarter, hilarious, same background, very good companionship- but I feel no attraction. The second is a great friend, slightly different background, we have fun together, and I am attracted, even if we have less in common.
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I am going to have to pick one, or be alone. And If this 'love' feeling fades, and is unimportant to marriage in general, I'd pick the first- we have way more in common. If the 'love' feeling and mutual chemistry is important, even if it ebbs and fades, I'd pick the second. I really can only imagine kissing and stuff with the second one. Can one even build attraction?
And by the way, I would understand if either moved on from me and met someone. It would be a little saddening, but I would rest easier, because choice is a big burden, and I would not be angry, they both deserve happiness, I'd take the L. I feel almost sick that I have such an effect on two people. And guilty for being conflicted.
...
(yes this is a hand wave account but i was here since day 1, i was a kid then and this place honestly raised me in a way. miss rightsidefunding posting, learned a lot)
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Most of my friends are girls, but by some really bad luck, they moved away, and now I have about two distant girl friends left in this town, and two guy friends. Anyway, I'm Christian, although a bad one, but maybe that's a very catholic thing to say. And by bad, it's because I argue with my sister sometimes or procrastinate. And they know I wait until marriage. Although, I think a part of me wanted to do that less out of religious conviction, but more out of never wanting to belong to anyone ever, and totally mistrusting men. (sorry for the boyphobia, but when my best friend got assaulted i just got so angry at guys, but im not like that anymore)
And both these guys know about each other, and that I only call them friends, but they both would marry me and talk wanting a future. I feel really terrible when guys like me, because then I'm responsible for how someone feels. That's why I only call them friends. I don't want to lead them on, I only wear my big brown sweater and big jeans, I am explicit in friendly intentions.
...
But I would like to get married. Because then you can have a family, and also SEX (i unfortunately think of sex a lot and am a ball of hormones, and don't know if that will calm down). Although, I'd rather be alone than disappoint someone, maybe it's what I deserve. I have fun with my own company and my guitar and reading about diseases on wikipedia.
...
Anyway, the first guy is perfect on paper. He's incredibly smart, like would learn a language by watching a show, or about a difficult concept by half heartedly watching youtube- he just isn't pretentious about it. We have the exact same sense of humour, and can talk for hours incessantly, and debate, and understand each other entirely. He threw up on me once, so we are close. He is of the same background as me nationality wise, and is tall so I guess my sons wouldn't sneed at me for their future height? Although I am a little tall too. However, I feel nothing for the first guy. Even if I would like to, it is more of a comfortable affection, like for my siblings. Maybe that came from the fact that I saw myself as a mother figure to him, despite being young and the same age. But he, along with the girl who moved away, is the best friend I've ever had, and I mean that very sincerely. He is empathetic, yet doesn't change for others, very intelligent, similar background, and we have a lot of fun.
...
The second guy is from a different background but still european. We have a slightly different sense of humour, definitely kind of clever, but not as much as the first guy. He's the same height as me, even though he's a guy, but that's because he's not northern european like me, but southern, but I think brown eyes are really pretty because no one in my immediate family has them, they look gentle and thoughtful. I know he likes me a lot (and that makes me feel very guilty and responsible, even though I never tried to seduce him) and I like him too. When I sit next to him he says he thinks he might throw up, but he says it's in a happy way, and that's why his hands shake too. And my heart beats really fast when he's there, and hurts a little when I have to wait to see him again. And there is a pure affection, like wanting to make sure he eats and sleeps enough, and enjoying silence together. I feel quite cared for in a way I don't know what to do with, when he's there.
...
So yeah. The first is my best friend, taller, smarter, hilarious, same background, very good companionship- but I feel no attraction. The second is a great friend, slightly different background, we have fun together, and I am attracted, even if we have less in common.
...
I am going to have to pick one, or be alone. And If this 'love' feeling fades, and is unimportant to marriage in general, I'd pick the first- we have way more in common. If the 'love' feeling and mutual chemistry is important, even if it ebbs and fades, I'd pick the second. I really can only imagine kissing and stuff with the second one. Can one even build attraction?
And by the way, I would understand if either moved on from me and met someone. It would be a little saddening, but I would rest easier, because choice is a big burden, and I would not be angry, they both deserve happiness, I'd take the L. I feel almost sick that I have such an effect on two people. And guilty for being conflicted.
...
(yes this is a hand wave account but i was here since day 1, i was a kid then and this place honestly raised me in a way. miss rightsidefunding posting, learned a lot)
Your best bet is to have your male family members vet the two potential suitors. Female "tingles" wax and wane, so don't trust them. Trust the men closest to you. By a purely rational perspective, going by what you wrote, you should court the friend that's of the same descent and background.
> When I sit next to him he says he thinks he might throw up, but he says it's in a happy way, and that's why his hands shake too.
I'm assuming this guy, and you, are teens? Not common for men to feel that way or openly express it, unless they're naive and younger.
I don't really have male family members. I mean I don't see my uncle much, but he was the father figure to my siblings when he was there and could be (we don't have a father). So maybe I will wait until I see him?
I know tingles wax and wane, but I can't imagine marrying someone I don't want to kiss. Also, is it just tingles if it makes your heart hurt a bit to wait to see them again? Although, my best friend has committed to marrying someone young, like at 16, and over a couple of years, although she wasn't nuts about him at first, they built a strong trust and love, and now she is attracted to him, and their love is very strong and supportive. I wanted to ask married people especially on this forum, if you can build attraction to someone, and what is important in marriage, and from there, extrapolate and make a decision.
honestly you aim for the long term, how would the children look like, who would they take after? what color of their hair? eyes? things like that...
what you should do is simple, imagine the kids and figure out if this is the desired outcome
>my best friend has committed to marrying someone young, like at 16, and over a couple of years, although she wasn't nuts about him at first, they built a strong trust and love, and now she is attracted to him, and their love is very strong and supportive
you literally answered your own question with this
you know what to do, option A is the logical choice.
I think option a is the right choice too. It hurts a little to make this choice though, but such is life.
its a simple mantra i follow, our ancestors didn't fuck around with foreigners, they stuck to their own and their children did the same
i get that mediterranean men excite you more than your own men but honestly i genuinely believe that even intermixing within other european races (i.e slav with spanish) would result in a loss of identity and culture
and those are your most precious possessions, alongside with your blood.
That's exactly what the "tingles" are. It's the feeling of love, not the act or choice of love. Feelings wax and wane. Marriage is a covenant before God, a choice and path we adhere to above all costs. Anyone who's been married for a long time will tell you that the feeling of love comes and goes. Marriages persist because the choice of love remains, and doesn't falter when our feelings betray us.
We can see, very clearly, through the marriage statistics what has happened when we've given women the freedom to divorce their husbands when their tingles go away, through no fault divorce. The divorce rate has sky rocketed, and it's almost entirely due to a woman's number of pre marital sexual partners, and a woman's fleeting feelings, as divorce nowadays is almost entirely initiated by women.
As I advised, do not make this decision based on your feelings. Listen to the advice of close male family members. They're far more likely to guide you correctly.