(Throwaway account cause I don't wanna get doxxed)
First of all, I'm gonna make it clear I'm not exactly a saint, I had sex with many girls myself and I feel like I wouldn't have the strength to stop unless I got a stable relationship, I can't imagine just not having sex for an extended period. You could say I'm addicted.
Anyway, a few months ago I had casual sex with a girl and since it was good and we live close by that led into some kind of relationship. I since learned that before she met me she had lots of sex with different men, and as far as I know she never caught feelings for any of them, and yet she seems to be in love with me. I know she was abused by some relative as she was very young and that made her like that. I also know she got pregnant once at 14 and was forced to terminate by her horrible parents, and she was unsurprisingly traumatized by this event. Also she's been on birth control since before I knew her.
The reason I'm typing all of this is that for some reason I feel like she might make for a good wife despite all of that shit. She is extremely obedient. She seems to be willing to do anything for me. We've also never had any arguments, even if she thinks I'm wrong or I'm wronging her she just understands she's got no choice and goes along with it. She expressed the desire to have a family and it's clear she wants it specifically with me. I also enjoy her presence and her personality.
Does her past really matter? Have I lowered my standards too much? If I leave her, what do I do? I really would like to just stop worrying and be happy with this woman, but also I can't really ignore the reality of the situation and I feel like this might not end well. This whole thing has been driving me insane for several weeks and I just can't make up my mind. Also the fact that my feelings on the matter seem to be heavily influenced by my sexual urges makes me think I'm just never gonna be able to assess this rationally.
Any help is very appreciated.
There are problems in marrying a woman like that. To begin with, abuse tends to create a narcissistic personality. The promiscuity can be eliminated by long-term behavior control, as can the narcissism, but you have to keep on top of it all the time.
I've been married for 37 years to the same woman. It's been challenging. She exhibited all of the traits of someone who was sexually abused, although I didn't know it at the time. I learned slowly over the years what she was doing and why, and it's been a real learning experience. It's also been difficult because her narcissism never let her accept that her behavior was something she could control and that she needed to accept responsibility for it. Yes, she was very damaged, and that wasn't her fault, but her acting out was her own behavior, and she could control that. Over time, she gained a great deal of self-awareness and apologized to me for making my life difficult. She's also aware that I was and am the only one who's ever had her best interests at heart.
Was it worth it? It's hard to say. If I knew then what I know now, it would have been much easier. We knew each other for years before we married, but I think I still didn't know her well enough when we married.
I agree that you need to stop having sex, get her off birth control, and agree to a long engagement so you get to know each other much, much better. Women in general put up a defensive personality to hide their basic default crazy personality, and you'll need to time, years at least, to see that side of her before you actually marry her.
Keep in mind that she was not a "slut" per se, she was merely promiscuous, a result of her diminished self-esteem and confidence caused by her abuse. She was looking for the affection she clearly didn't receive at home as a teenager. Don't excuse her behavior, but accept that's where it came from.