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14
Book I have been working on. (media.scored.co) goats Goats GOATS
posted 1 year ago by ValuesLiberty on scored.co (+0 / -0 / +14Score on mirror )
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4 comments:
Fabius on scored.co
1 year ago 7 points (+0 / -0 / +7Score on mirror ) 2 children
I read the first couple paragraphs and it's alright. It needs an edit.

One part that annoyed me was the reference to idiocracy. You don't need to put that in. Have the guy slump back and stare at his phone, period. Read it like that. It's better. Let the reader come to their own conclusions about what type of person Frank is by his speech and actions. You don't need to be ham fisted about it, and comparisons to cultural references rarely work and date your writing.

Either be explicit, omit, or make a reference to something in universe.

>He looked at me dumbfounded, slumped back into his highchair and went back to staring at his smartphone. *What an idiot.*

>He looked at me dumbfounded, slumped back into his highchair and went back to staring at his smartphone.*

>He looked at me dumbfounded, slumped back into his highchair and went back to staring at his smartphone, *almost the same way Janice had when I confronted her over dinner. So few can handle any kind of confrontation, any kind of push back on their beliefs without retreating to the mental pacifier of their phone.*

>He looked at me dumbfounded, slumped back into his highchair and went back to staring at his smartphone *like a fucking retard.*

Just my opinion. But I think each of these (while not perfect and just quick examples) lend more to your story and universe than talking about a pop-culture reference. Each one sheds some light either on Frank, the protagonist, or the plot. It opens up new questions and world builds a little bit. Talking about "Idiocracy" while a good movie, doesn't make us want to explore your world or your characters. It makes your world too familiar, even boring. Be careful with stuff like that.

You tend to over describe.

>Now despondent, I left the bar and walked the city streets for the last time alone in my thoughts about what exactly had happened to my mood lately. It was like the world and my life was all moving too fast and out of my control. I wanted it to slow down. What exactly had happened to this whole mess of a life of mine? It was like we had all stopped progressing at once but the world outside us kept spinning faster and faster. Was it ever progress anyways? Or had it always been but an illusion? My thoughts were so busy with the problems and fits of modern life these days.

This is way too overarching and reads like a synopsis instead of a story. Just this one paragraph can be an entire chapter. Break each part down.

>Now despondent...

Show us that he's despondent, don't tell us!

>I left the bar. I just needed to walk... somewhere, anywhere.
"Hey man! Hey... Where you got dem' shoes, muh dude? Hey man, I said where you got dem' shoes, nigga. Apex Imperial check my socials, bruh."

>I left the bar, I just need to walk. I was vaguely aware of my phone ringing, but I ignored it.

Or something, you know? If he's despondent. Show us. If life is moving too fast, give us a scene where he can't keep up. Slow it down and bring us in.

I think this is a good start and your first sentence and scene set up is good (a little clunky, but needs to be edited). We're right there. Take us on a journey, dude. Good luck.
Vlad_The_Impaler on scored.co
1 year ago 3 points (+0 / -0 / +3Score on mirror )
Good constructive critique
ValuesLiberty on scored.co
1 year ago 0 points (+0 / -0 )
Thanks for the comments and thanks for taking the time to read it. Chapter 2 will be out on Monday. It's a journey. Wrote this mostly 3 years ago and was hoping to get an editor on it but it never came to be so I am just dribbling it out on the substack...
ValuesLiberty on scored.co
1 year ago 1 point (+0 / -0 / +1Score on mirror )
I'll release chapters and audio every few days. Enjoy....
https://rejectmodernity.substack.com/p/the-reckoning-of-jean-pierre
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