I bounced around through NO Catholic, Protestant and the Orthodox Churches for a while before almost entirely giving up on established Christianity. Some were better than others, but I had not really come across one that struck me as being significant in any way. The modern Protestants are pretty much just a Jesus fan club, usually ripe with theological inaccuracies. The Orthodox, as I have said before, are still very mad about the schism. The Greek Orthodox Church seemed to me to be more of a novelty. It was interesting, but their mass did not seem legitimate in my heart. Furthermore.. They had a woman speak during the mass.
I finally managed to go to a Latin Mass and it was like stepping back in time. 80% of the women were wearing head coverings and dresses. The Mass took place in a musty 150 year old church in the middle of farm country, decorated much more humbly than the Orthodox, but actually appearing as a church unlike the Protestants'. The place was packed with babies. Some of these people had 5 or more kids. I couldn't understand a word the Priest was saying. Not a single one of these people was fat. Some were overweight but not fat.
The mass itself actually resonated with my heart and I took the Eucharist for the first time in my free thinking life.. instead of just pocketing it like I've done at the other churches. It sort of made me ill for some reason so idk if I'll take it again but I tried.
7/10 experience, would recommend.
You are now morally culpable for your prior behavior because a brother Christian has pointed this behavior out to you. You are currently in a state of mortal sin, my brother, and should not be relaxed about this. Call your local parish, tell the priest you need to do a long-form, guided confession as you are unaware of when you confessed last. Go to that meeting, be honest, and then you’ll feel better.
St. Paul's great sin was that he physically killed Christians. His salvation was that he preached life to the spiritually dead and he was grievously executed for this. The debt that I feel the requirement to repay is not one that can be washed away by simply confessing to it.
> The debt that I feel the requirement to repay is not one that can be washed away by simply confessing to it.
The debt you have to pay is infinite separation in hell. There is no human work that can redeem you, no virtue, not even your own death. You cannot work yourself into heaven, even St. Paul himself admitted this in Ephesians 2:9 ("For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God, For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God"). The ill feeling was a nudge (a "grace" as St. Paul calls it) from God. Now it's on your human will to respond to it or not. God will give you grace (read: opportunity to repent), but he wants to see if you surrender your will to his. So ultimately, salvation is a choice, but it's not by your own virtue.
St. Pauls (and yours) sins were washed away completely at his baptism, but if you sin mortally after baptism, you'll lose your salvation again because the mortal sin cuts you off from God. So you are supposed to work towards your salvation with fear and trembling that you don't fall back into sin (Phillipians 2:12).
For example, since you were baptized, you should have known (or should have been educated by your parents) that going to Mass on Sundays is a law from God ("Remember to keep holy the Lord´s Day", 3rd Commandment), unless you have a reason to miss it or can't go. You can argue with it, you can run from it, but you can't run after your death (it also should come naturally, you did enjoy your time at Mass, didn't you?). Now, maybe you didn't know and that lessens your culpability (and the Novus Ordo is a garbage Mass, so I understand why nobody wants to go there, and you shouldn't go there if you know the history of its creation, as it's effectively Protestant), but now you know, and it's even good for you and your soul. The commandment (as all commandments) is for your own good, not because God needs your prayer at Mass.
"What do I need to get into heaven?", said the young man - "Hold the commandments", said Jesus. Go down [this list](https://www.ncregister.com/info/confession-guide-for-adults) and see if you have anything on your conscience. Then see if you truly repent from it (confession is useless without repentance) and make a list. Then talk with the priest, he will advise you further. The point of life is this: to figure out what God wants (commandments, virtues, etc.) and to do it (to love God).