Consume Catholicism
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Basically, I think the God of the old testament is... I think that God is an alien intelligence, perhaps evil, perhaps just immature.
I see the world around me I see the old testament and I cannot reconcile any of this with Jesus.
I think Jesus was the snake in garden of Eden... I think of our current situation, just trying to "wake people up".
I look at my own life, so much suffering, so much death, so much killing... I can't find a good God there, but I can definitely see the struggle of good in a world of shit.
I have taken the life of helpless creatures, better they die quick, than to suffer.
I don't feel I appreciate Jesus enough. I fear that I project my own weakness and evil on to God and then say God is weaker and or evil.
I justify joy at the destruction of Israel in this current war, by how many times their God calls for the slaughter of women and children and that people tell you how they wish to be treated.
Maybe God is Yahweh and Yahweh is good? Maybe Elohim is love... I just don't see it. I think Jesus has sacrificed himself to show us how evil and degenerate God is and that it will chew up and destroy perfection... So we all need to beware.
Or maybe I should just shut the fuck up, of course Elohim is the father and Yahweh is the Holy Spirit... I don't know beyond the fact that Jesus is good and I am a worthless sinner who should emulate him, and not Elohim or Yahweh.
I know many, many people smarter than me have considered this question for thousands of years and they've all landed in the mainstream Catholicism/Protestantism.
I just don't know how to reconcile it myself. The God of the Old Testament is repulsive to me and the easy answer is that Satan has successfully tricked me, so I continue to struggle.