I apologize for the whiny post. I was more or less a liberal before covid happened. Little by little, I've woken up to just how insane the world is, and waking up has just made me feel even more disconnected from people.
My head is fucked. And it's fucked from a combination of a difficult childhood and increasingly understanding all of the insanity that's going on. I'm at the point where I've tried so many things to feel differently, but nothing has stuck. And I understand that this is part of the wider demoralization campaign in the west against straight white men, and there's a good chance that those larger societal manipulations caused my difficult childhood too. But acknowledging those causes don't make me feel any differently. Even if it's true that Zionists rule the world, I still feel like shit.
I can't even really articulate what I feel any more. How do you tell someone that you're struggling when they won't even acknowledge the shit going on around us? It's just that so many things have gone wrong in my life for so many years, and I don't see this ever getting better. I have some fleeting hope that someone like Nick Fuentes, who actually speaks the unapologetic truth, will get into power and start cleaning up this country, but more than likely ZOG would simply assassinate him or make him become the swamp like they did with Trump.
I never had a feeling of home when I was young. I've been trying to find it for so many years, but more and more I think it simply does not exist for me. I'm getting older, and my desire to find a loving partner and create that loving home life feels like it's drifting farther and farther out of reach. The media has told me over and over again that I am a worthless piece of shit, and I've internalized it. It doesn't matter that I now understand that homosexuality is a mental illness, that men and women are different and men need to be the head of the household, or that hardworking white Christians built America. It doesn't matter that vaccines are all useless poison or that the chemical imbalance hypothesis of depression is absolute garbage and pharmaceutical companies are trying to kill us. It doesn't matter that birth control is fucking up women or that, for my entire life, feminism has taught women to hate men and that they should become men instead of complementing men. It doesn't matter that my parents were too fucking stupid to tell the doctors not to mutilate me.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this. People in my life like me, but I cannot talk to hardly any of them about what's really going on. When I try, they shut down or change the subject or ignore me. Like I said, so much shit has gone wrong for so many years, and I don't see any of this getting better. I'm not stupid, and I think I have a pretty good work ethic when I set my mind to something and find meaning in what I'm doing. But I can't become an engineer for the military and help Israel murder millions in the middle east. I work in possibly the least toxic subject in education, but even then, I spend most of my time destroying students' creativity and critical thinking skills.
I think that most men in my mental state either kill themselves or commit themselves to religion. I was raised Evangelical, but I've been an atheist for a long time, and I don't think I could go back even if I wanted to. I do miss that feeling of community. I think that religious beliefs have helped a whole lot of people in terrible circumstances, but even then, I think it's the poor substitute our ancestors created when genuine communities collapsed. I need a real community. But if I try to find anyone who believes everything I've written here, there's a good chance I'll end up talking to undercover FBI agents instead. And that's part of the demoralization campaign, right? Make everyone feel insane and isolated until they kill themselves.
I thought about joining whatever that white commune was somewhere in the midwest. Years ago, I thought about homesteading. My dad talked me out of it, but he's a boomer who has benefitted from the economic shit we did against Germany and has been hopelessly inundated with propaganda his entire life. He can't speak ill of the system because it has helped him tremendously. But my generation is seeing everything unravel. It'd be nice to be actually self-sufficient rather than hoping that billionaire demons don't do another pump-and-dump scheme to steal money from us.
Well, I think I've rambled enough. Thank you to anyone who read this. Like I said, I'm barely hanging on. Someone recommended I talk to a therapist, but what good could that possibly do? I've tried psychedelics, journaling, lifting, running, hiking, volunteering.... I don't know. I just really wanted to find that feeling of home and safety and security.
My head is fucked. And it's fucked from a combination of a difficult childhood and increasingly understanding all of the insanity that's going on. I'm at the point where I've tried so many things to feel differently, but nothing has stuck. And I understand that this is part of the wider demoralization campaign in the west against straight white men, and there's a good chance that those larger societal manipulations caused my difficult childhood too. But acknowledging those causes don't make me feel any differently. Even if it's true that Zionists rule the world, I still feel like shit.
I can't even really articulate what I feel any more. How do you tell someone that you're struggling when they won't even acknowledge the shit going on around us? It's just that so many things have gone wrong in my life for so many years, and I don't see this ever getting better. I have some fleeting hope that someone like Nick Fuentes, who actually speaks the unapologetic truth, will get into power and start cleaning up this country, but more than likely ZOG would simply assassinate him or make him become the swamp like they did with Trump.
I never had a feeling of home when I was young. I've been trying to find it for so many years, but more and more I think it simply does not exist for me. I'm getting older, and my desire to find a loving partner and create that loving home life feels like it's drifting farther and farther out of reach. The media has told me over and over again that I am a worthless piece of shit, and I've internalized it. It doesn't matter that I now understand that homosexuality is a mental illness, that men and women are different and men need to be the head of the household, or that hardworking white Christians built America. It doesn't matter that vaccines are all useless poison or that the chemical imbalance hypothesis of depression is absolute garbage and pharmaceutical companies are trying to kill us. It doesn't matter that birth control is fucking up women or that, for my entire life, feminism has taught women to hate men and that they should become men instead of complementing men. It doesn't matter that my parents were too fucking stupid to tell the doctors not to mutilate me.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this. People in my life like me, but I cannot talk to hardly any of them about what's really going on. When I try, they shut down or change the subject or ignore me. Like I said, so much shit has gone wrong for so many years, and I don't see any of this getting better. I'm not stupid, and I think I have a pretty good work ethic when I set my mind to something and find meaning in what I'm doing. But I can't become an engineer for the military and help Israel murder millions in the middle east. I work in possibly the least toxic subject in education, but even then, I spend most of my time destroying students' creativity and critical thinking skills.
I think that most men in my mental state either kill themselves or commit themselves to religion. I was raised Evangelical, but I've been an atheist for a long time, and I don't think I could go back even if I wanted to. I do miss that feeling of community. I think that religious beliefs have helped a whole lot of people in terrible circumstances, but even then, I think it's the poor substitute our ancestors created when genuine communities collapsed. I need a real community. But if I try to find anyone who believes everything I've written here, there's a good chance I'll end up talking to undercover FBI agents instead. And that's part of the demoralization campaign, right? Make everyone feel insane and isolated until they kill themselves.
I thought about joining whatever that white commune was somewhere in the midwest. Years ago, I thought about homesteading. My dad talked me out of it, but he's a boomer who has benefitted from the economic shit we did against Germany and has been hopelessly inundated with propaganda his entire life. He can't speak ill of the system because it has helped him tremendously. But my generation is seeing everything unravel. It'd be nice to be actually self-sufficient rather than hoping that billionaire demons don't do another pump-and-dump scheme to steal money from us.
Well, I think I've rambled enough. Thank you to anyone who read this. Like I said, I'm barely hanging on. Someone recommended I talk to a therapist, but what good could that possibly do? I've tried psychedelics, journaling, lifting, running, hiking, volunteering.... I don't know. I just really wanted to find that feeling of home and safety and security.
You say you need a community but you already have friends and family that care about you. So what if they don't see the J yet. Can't you talk about something other than politics when near them? You can talk to internet strangers about niche political topics. Sure, you can carefully try to sway some friends but is it even worth the hassle?
And on the political note, don't put your trust in any figurehead. Even if they say some things you agree with, or if they seem truthful, do not endorse anyone. You'll only find disappointment. Notice that anyone famous who mentions the JQ mixes those truth bombs among misinfo missiles, which is the textbook Aquino design of narrative control.
It's okay to not have an opinion. Or to not be open about an opinion. If someone at work asks you about trump or israel, you can dismiss the question entirely and that would be totally fine and socially accepted. You woke up an became aware of the world around you, but nothing changed except for your worldview. Did your community reject you, or did you isolate yourself?
If I can't have real conversations with people that are intellectually and emotionally fulfilling, I'm not sure what the point is. Technology has fragmented us so badly, and all I do at my job is have superficial conversations. I also think there's a real fear that the billionaires will drag us down through another 2008 financial collapse when the AI bubble bursts, and I would like to do what I can to prepare against that. "Just don't pay attention to it" sounds absurd...