I had this chat with my wife recently.
She made a comment about how she doesn't understand why women get divorced. She understands that the husband should be everything to the wife. Her entire universe is centered on me and meeting my needs and keeping me healthy and wealthy etc... And she just doesn't understand why women don't invest in their husbands because there's nothing they can do in society without their husbands. Like, sure you can get a job or whatever, but you're never going to compete with a man in so many areas, and there's so many things she knows that only I can do. I can do the dishes, sure, but she'd rather have me doing those things that she can't do.
The kids, to her, were a sort of distraction from me. She had them because I wanted them. She understood that I valued children very much and that it was the highest priority in my life, so she did what she could to have as many kids as possible. But she's looking forward to the day when they leave and it's just us two and the house and our chores. She wants to retire and go on trips and have a little party and I'm the golden ticket to that. If I were to die early, she would be devastated because she doesn't know how to manage everything and would probably screw up our nest egg. That's her biggest fear.
This was a little surprising to me, because my life does not center on her. No, I committed to the marriage and the family. I told her that honestly I don't see her that way, and truly she is fungible. I mean, if she died, I would re-marry and replace her.
So my universe doesn't revolve around her like that. I keep her happy because she is literally the source of my happiness -- I learned that lesson a long time ago. She gets upset with me when I don't take care of myself or when she feels like I'm not prioritizing the most important things in my own life, like if I'm not going after a promotion or a better job, as an example.
Anyway, my center is the family. I see the family as a separate entity from myself, as something I am building the same way I might build a barn, or something I am raising, like an animal that I want to breed for many years. I am building something, and she is a vital component of that, so I have spent time teaching her what she needs to know as a mother raising sons and daughters, as a homemaker who has to watch the family while I am gone, and I taught her skills that she needs to understand so she doesn't make terrible financial decisions and actually helps with my budgeting and planning and stuff. The kids are also a part of that plan. I hope each of my kids succeed in their own area, and start their own family, but I want this family to continue long after we both die. I want my kids to rely on each other and on their cousins and form a sort of tribe of interdependent connections and trust and such. I try to maintain a connection to my siblings and my nieces and nephews for this reason.
If there's a lesson here, I think it's this.
Women and men are different.
Both come to marriage saying the same words but they don't agree and honestly they never will.
As a man, you need to build a family. That's the priority. You need to invest in your wife and your kids and build that structure as strong as you can. As a woman, you need to be there for your husband and wait on him and learn from him and rely on him. This is, to me, the healthiest kind of relationship. Not exact equals, because it's clear that one side is holding all the cards and the other side has a short hand, but people who cooperate, each providing their own input to the end goal.
I had a fairly depressing period when I realized, about 10 years ago, that I had obtained all the material wealth that we need. I could die and the kids and the wife would be taken care of. There was literally no reason to work anymore. I could even give my wife a cruise every year and it wouldn't break the retirement budget. I felt totally useless as I was no longer "needed". What would more dollars and more stock compensation do for our family? Absolutely nothing. I had spent my life programming and making money and I had "made" it.
After a long period of pondering and eventually "unemployment" I realized I was only beginning on my journey. Now that my wealth was set, I had to help my sons build their own wealth. I had to create conditions where, as I approached the final years in my life, my wealth will naturally transfer to the next generation. I'm not just talking about dollars, I'm talking about actual things that they could use to provide for their own families and their grandkids and such.
I am a man. I create stuff. I build things. I bring different people together in mutually beneficial relationships. That's what men do. Women do something different, focused on a single individual and tending to his needs and that's the extent of their imagination. I want to build a nation. She just wants flowers and a nice meal from time to time.
She made a comment about how she doesn't understand why women get divorced. She understands that the husband should be everything to the wife. Her entire universe is centered on me and meeting my needs and keeping me healthy and wealthy etc... And she just doesn't understand why women don't invest in their husbands because there's nothing they can do in society without their husbands. Like, sure you can get a job or whatever, but you're never going to compete with a man in so many areas, and there's so many things she knows that only I can do. I can do the dishes, sure, but she'd rather have me doing those things that she can't do.
The kids, to her, were a sort of distraction from me. She had them because I wanted them. She understood that I valued children very much and that it was the highest priority in my life, so she did what she could to have as many kids as possible. But she's looking forward to the day when they leave and it's just us two and the house and our chores. She wants to retire and go on trips and have a little party and I'm the golden ticket to that. If I were to die early, she would be devastated because she doesn't know how to manage everything and would probably screw up our nest egg. That's her biggest fear.
This was a little surprising to me, because my life does not center on her. No, I committed to the marriage and the family. I told her that honestly I don't see her that way, and truly she is fungible. I mean, if she died, I would re-marry and replace her.
So my universe doesn't revolve around her like that. I keep her happy because she is literally the source of my happiness -- I learned that lesson a long time ago. She gets upset with me when I don't take care of myself or when she feels like I'm not prioritizing the most important things in my own life, like if I'm not going after a promotion or a better job, as an example.
Anyway, my center is the family. I see the family as a separate entity from myself, as something I am building the same way I might build a barn, or something I am raising, like an animal that I want to breed for many years. I am building something, and she is a vital component of that, so I have spent time teaching her what she needs to know as a mother raising sons and daughters, as a homemaker who has to watch the family while I am gone, and I taught her skills that she needs to understand so she doesn't make terrible financial decisions and actually helps with my budgeting and planning and stuff. The kids are also a part of that plan. I hope each of my kids succeed in their own area, and start their own family, but I want this family to continue long after we both die. I want my kids to rely on each other and on their cousins and form a sort of tribe of interdependent connections and trust and such. I try to maintain a connection to my siblings and my nieces and nephews for this reason.
If there's a lesson here, I think it's this.
Women and men are different.
Both come to marriage saying the same words but they don't agree and honestly they never will.
As a man, you need to build a family. That's the priority. You need to invest in your wife and your kids and build that structure as strong as you can. As a woman, you need to be there for your husband and wait on him and learn from him and rely on him. This is, to me, the healthiest kind of relationship. Not exact equals, because it's clear that one side is holding all the cards and the other side has a short hand, but people who cooperate, each providing their own input to the end goal.
I had a fairly depressing period when I realized, about 10 years ago, that I had obtained all the material wealth that we need. I could die and the kids and the wife would be taken care of. There was literally no reason to work anymore. I could even give my wife a cruise every year and it wouldn't break the retirement budget. I felt totally useless as I was no longer "needed". What would more dollars and more stock compensation do for our family? Absolutely nothing. I had spent my life programming and making money and I had "made" it.
After a long period of pondering and eventually "unemployment" I realized I was only beginning on my journey. Now that my wealth was set, I had to help my sons build their own wealth. I had to create conditions where, as I approached the final years in my life, my wealth will naturally transfer to the next generation. I'm not just talking about dollars, I'm talking about actual things that they could use to provide for their own families and their grandkids and such.
I am a man. I create stuff. I build things. I bring different people together in mutually beneficial relationships. That's what men do. Women do something different, focused on a single individual and tending to his needs and that's the extent of their imagination. I want to build a nation. She just wants flowers and a nice meal from time to time.
Sounds pretty low maintenance
You lucked out on the marriage department