My advice to you to solve this emotional conundrum: do what every other Christian does and just cherry pick the parts of Christianity that work and temporarily discard the parts that don’t. Trying to follow 100% of the Bible at any given time is a recipe for madness and the people who wrote it knew this and accounted for context in their sermons. I’m NOT dunking on Christianity; I am dunking on spiritual perfectionism. I have had this exact same issue for some time and my resolution is: “does following x path make the world a better and healthier place?” I think forgiving our enemies doesn’t past a certain point. I think a line that God himself is very privy to has been crossed. Our women and children need protection and a future more than our enemies need forgiveness.