(NoFap) Beyond Hope
NSFW
This was directly copied from my own post on r/NoFap, which got deleted by the moderators.
If you read the title and you think I'm saying I can't quit, you're wrong. What I'm saying is that porn has done so much damage to me that even if I shake the urge entirely, I'll still be worse off than I was before.
I started watching porn when I was sixteen. I was homeschooled, didn't get out much, and had very protective parents, so I wasn't exposed to much in the way of nudity before then, plus I wasn't into pussy. I had been a chronic masturbator for two years by then - I just jacked off to SFW drawings of anime girls flipping the middle finger - but it was sometime in May of 2021 that, out of boredom, curiosity, and my bizarre sense of humor, I looked up "futanari."
What I thought would just be something to laugh at immediately proved itself to be my next obsession, and over the course of the next three years, my downfall. Every night, I would come back to these adorable dickgirls, and then every night became twice a day, and then twice became thrice. My self-imposed limits of not going for it on Sunday and Wednesday were quickly thrown aside. I was hooked, and from the moment I began, I knew it was terrible.
What I didn't expect, however, was the damage that it would do to my psyche. I'm not talking brain fog or PIED, I'm saying it altered what I'm attracted to. First off, futa, cock, I'm a dude, I like cock, that means I'm gay. Even if you believe in transgenderism, a love for futa tends to also come with a love for traps, which are undeniably male. I'm barely willing to believe that I was always this way only because futa was the entry point, but before, and even after, getting hooked on porn, I've still been very homophobic.
The second thing, however, was even worse. I was into futas, of course, but I was particularly enthralled by furry futas. That really started getting to me, and eventually a real cat brushed up against my leg, and I had an uncontrollable boner. Furry porn turned me into a real zoophile.
That was last year, and the first time that I realized that I needed to quit for good. There were times beforehand when I went up to two weeks around Christmas, but those times, that was all I was aiming for before going back. This time, I was planning to make it permanent. And then, eight days in, I smashed the shade of my fan. That killed that idea. I felt like I needed to keep my anger and strength under control, so I switched my goal to just breaking my record, and on day fifteen I went back in.
A few days ago, I decided to try again, mostly because someone on Twitter said I should. I also read the EasyPeasyMethod, though I made the mistake of reading it after starting nofap and no matter how many times it told me that I was missing out on nothing, I still can't shake the feeling that I'm losing out on some great art from the likes of Cyrie and T-Hoodie.
But here's the real kicker. Also on Twitter, I've been arguing with lolicons on whether or not they're turning themselves into pedos. I've always thought that loli stuff was inherently pedophilic, and while I used to be into it back when I was a shota, I abandoned all of it when I became an adult. I've been arguing that lolicons are pedophiles even back when I was steeped in the porn addiction, often using my own experiences with furry porn as proof. My latest flame war, however, offered me a little insight into the psyche of the biggest thorn in my side. This one guy who almost always shows up in every argument I've been in concerning the subject, who goes by the name of Sephiroth (fittingly enough), has never once tried to quit porn because he's worried that if he doesn't "control his sexual urges" (kill his libido), he'll become a rapist. Now, I don't believe for a second that quitting porn will do anything like that to anyone, but the fact is, gaining back your natural sex drive can cause problems, especially to someone like me who got turned into a zoophile. What if real people find out that I'm sexually attracted to cats?
But, suppose that my zoophilia is exclusively caused by porn, and once my urges go away, so will the feline-induced arousal. If that's the case, then what if my love for femboys goes away? My only real aspiration in life, other than wasting lots of money on collecting video games, books, anime Blurays, and vinyl records, is to be a cute femboy myself. It's the only reason why I would ever want to move out of my parents' home. The only way I'd bother getting hitched is if I end up with another cute femboy. And it's a fetish.
So, when the withdrawal symptoms start going away, I'll end up as either a catfucking maniac or a shell of a man who exists only to consume.
If you read the title and you think I'm saying I can't quit, you're wrong. What I'm saying is that porn has done so much damage to me that even if I shake the urge entirely, I'll still be worse off than I was before.
I started watching porn when I was sixteen. I was homeschooled, didn't get out much, and had very protective parents, so I wasn't exposed to much in the way of nudity before then, plus I wasn't into pussy. I had been a chronic masturbator for two years by then - I just jacked off to SFW drawings of anime girls flipping the middle finger - but it was sometime in May of 2021 that, out of boredom, curiosity, and my bizarre sense of humor, I looked up "futanari."
What I thought would just be something to laugh at immediately proved itself to be my next obsession, and over the course of the next three years, my downfall. Every night, I would come back to these adorable dickgirls, and then every night became twice a day, and then twice became thrice. My self-imposed limits of not going for it on Sunday and Wednesday were quickly thrown aside. I was hooked, and from the moment I began, I knew it was terrible.
What I didn't expect, however, was the damage that it would do to my psyche. I'm not talking brain fog or PIED, I'm saying it altered what I'm attracted to. First off, futa, cock, I'm a dude, I like cock, that means I'm gay. Even if you believe in transgenderism, a love for futa tends to also come with a love for traps, which are undeniably male. I'm barely willing to believe that I was always this way only because futa was the entry point, but before, and even after, getting hooked on porn, I've still been very homophobic.
The second thing, however, was even worse. I was into futas, of course, but I was particularly enthralled by furry futas. That really started getting to me, and eventually a real cat brushed up against my leg, and I had an uncontrollable boner. Furry porn turned me into a real zoophile.
That was last year, and the first time that I realized that I needed to quit for good. There were times beforehand when I went up to two weeks around Christmas, but those times, that was all I was aiming for before going back. This time, I was planning to make it permanent. And then, eight days in, I smashed the shade of my fan. That killed that idea. I felt like I needed to keep my anger and strength under control, so I switched my goal to just breaking my record, and on day fifteen I went back in.
A few days ago, I decided to try again, mostly because someone on Twitter said I should. I also read the EasyPeasyMethod, though I made the mistake of reading it after starting nofap and no matter how many times it told me that I was missing out on nothing, I still can't shake the feeling that I'm losing out on some great art from the likes of Cyrie and T-Hoodie.
But here's the real kicker. Also on Twitter, I've been arguing with lolicons on whether or not they're turning themselves into pedos. I've always thought that loli stuff was inherently pedophilic, and while I used to be into it back when I was a shota, I abandoned all of it when I became an adult. I've been arguing that lolicons are pedophiles even back when I was steeped in the porn addiction, often using my own experiences with furry porn as proof. My latest flame war, however, offered me a little insight into the psyche of the biggest thorn in my side. This one guy who almost always shows up in every argument I've been in concerning the subject, who goes by the name of Sephiroth (fittingly enough), has never once tried to quit porn because he's worried that if he doesn't "control his sexual urges" (kill his libido), he'll become a rapist. Now, I don't believe for a second that quitting porn will do anything like that to anyone, but the fact is, gaining back your natural sex drive can cause problems, especially to someone like me who got turned into a zoophile. What if real people find out that I'm sexually attracted to cats?
But, suppose that my zoophilia is exclusively caused by porn, and once my urges go away, so will the feline-induced arousal. If that's the case, then what if my love for femboys goes away? My only real aspiration in life, other than wasting lots of money on collecting video games, books, anime Blurays, and vinyl records, is to be a cute femboy myself. It's the only reason why I would ever want to move out of my parents' home. The only way I'd bother getting hitched is if I end up with another cute femboy. And it's a fetish.
So, when the withdrawal symptoms start going away, I'll end up as either a catfucking maniac or a shell of a man who exists only to consume.